kylaye

somehow writing hasn't been coming as easily lately.

for the moment, i might be on hiatus for a while. i'm setting up a new SUPER SECRET blog at wordpress for writing mostly, and not blogging. where i can write silly stuff and not be scared, not have my internal editor going "oh gawd that is horrible"

i'll still be on LJ, just not posting much. and ... i suppose one day i'll come back. tell you guys about my life. uh, seriously, it won't be a long time away.

so yeah. i need my blue sky holiday.

but it's been raining so much D:

i'll miss you gaiz :(

from annabeth;

Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."

I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity. Update your journal with the answers to the questions. Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

(Any asking of questions is totally optional!)


1. Why do you like Eliot so much out of all the modernists?

I guess it was how Prufrock was one of the first poems we did, and our lit class was really awesome - people would spontaneously burst into "let us go then, you and i" I liked that poem the best because I could relate to Prufrock (don't laugh! I know what you think about Prufrock but whatever). My preference is actually cummings; i like "i like my body when it is with your ... ", haha.

2. Which part of someone do you like best when you're behind the bicycle sheds - ankles, wrists, or neck? ;)

I thought everyone knew about my ankle fetish. It's a running joke, really. I'm not totally serious when I claim I have an ankle fetish; but I do appreciate slim ankles. You could, I guess, extend it to feet in general, but it's still a specific ankle thing. I think it comes from dancing, hence wearing nice shoes and having to tie the satin ribbons around my ankles. Wrists are nice but I don't notice them that much. I'd have to say neck.

3. What was your best memory out of everything that's happened this past year?

Mm. Lying on the beach watching the sun rise on Tioman Island. Ask me this question another time, btw.

4. If you were force-fed donuts, would you take them sugared or glazed?
Sugared

5. ...why didja end that comment with "damn"? oO
Idk because it sounded appropriate?

Where the Hell is Matt?

So I was exploring his project and all his posts on the different countries he's been to. So I went to check out his post on Singapore, curious to see what a well-traveled person as himself has to say about this place.

After reading his posts, I found myself indignant and slightly miffed by his remarks about Singapore. At the same time I agreed with a lot of it. But at the same time, I thought, Well, who are you to judge my home?

Sometimes traveling really is neither here nor there. You can never really truly know a place until you live it, rather than visit it temporarily. But then I do that too don't I? I travel, and I relish the experience,but I'm probably not seeing the real essence, the real heart of the place. Maybe if someone showed me around the place, I would know it better.

Some stuff I read, like:

"The crosswalks have timer displays showing how long you have left to reach the other side of the street." - What, they don't have that in America? Or wherever Matt is from. Wait, actually that's a valid concern. I'm going to ask Alvin now.

He's not replying :/

And oh, you know most white men in pubs with hookers? Or "professional women"? Yeah well no prizes guessing why they're there.

It's odd how the dirty sleazy scene is labeled as bad when you do find it and it shocks the hell out of you; but then some say it's boring here.

Idk, really. It all depends on how deep you're looking right.

If you're only seeing what's on the surface, you can't really see the heart of a place.

Not that I disagree with Matt on all counts. Some things I do agree with.

Okay I'm tired of waiting for a response. Going off now.

Left handed snails cannot mate with right handed snails?

Because they really can't.

Because of misalignment of their reproductive apparatus.

And all this links back to evolution because if you can't mate you can't pass down the genes and you would expect the gene to vanish.

Right?

Yes, but left handed snails can mate with left handed snails. All you need is someone else with the same mutation in the "handedness" gene as you. Then you could potentially form a left-handed species! Of course, the odds of finding another left-handed snail is low, and therefore left-handed snails are quite a rarity.

But the puzzle gets even weirder, because in South-East Asia there is a higher concentration of left-handed land snail species than most other places in the world. This has been explained (accepting it is up to you) by the presence of the right-handed-snail-eating snake and right-handed-snail-eating crab. So, because snails cannot shatter the snail's hard shell, they extract the snail from it's shell by alternately retracting their left and right mandibles. Upon closer examination of the snakes' jaws, researchers found that the snakes were also right-handed, or rather right-mandibled. Their right mandibles have much more teeth than their left, meaning that their mouth is not symmetrical. And this asymmetry was observed in all snail-eating specialists!

Same for crabs - their right claw is often more powerful and specialized to crush crabs. They just can't deal with left-handed snails!

Hence, this would explain why left-handed land snails are more present in SEA rather than in other parts of the world.

It's quite amusing how all this relates to our lives. I'm a left-hander. Even though I'm not that sporty, but in many competitive sports we see many left-handed pros, in a higher proportion than we see in the general population. (e.g Nadal <3 )Some people say that being left-handed means you're better at the sport; but it's been proposed that it's because players are less well-equipped to play against left-handed players, whom they rarely encounter. If it's really the first explanation, then we would expect left-handed pros to eventually dominate the sport. But that isn't the case! It appears that the reason some left-handers are successful is because they're rare. Right-handed players rarely learn to defend and attack against left-handers. (Then again you have left-handed specialists like Yuuta. But most players aren't like that.)

Well, it's the same thing for the crabs, snakes, and snails. It's an interesting parallel. Because the left-handed snails weren't as popular, crabs learnt to prey on right-handed snails, giving left-handed snails an advantage. However, they still remain a rarity because of the statistical difficulty in finding another lefty to mate with.

Pretty cool, right? Luckily, things aren't that way for humans. Which is a good thing! Imagine if left-handers couldn't have sex with right handers! That'd be horrible!

Anyway. General Bio Geek-ery is over. Hope you enjoyed that and found it as exciting as I did, btw. It's stuff like this that makes Bio interesting, and fun. Esp. evolution.



On another note,
www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/nov/27/patrick-stewart-domestic-violence
This is a good read.

So today my dad finally lost his cool and exploded while on the wheel; spewing expletives and generally venting. At my mum.

The funny thing was that I was rather relieved that it happened (of course, worried too, but), because the air was so thick with tension that we knew it was going to happen.

After the longest time of feeling the threat of a tantrum hanging over our heads. it was good to witness the dam bursting and the words finally coming out.

18th Nov: Rashi's birthday present! My first time buying flowers for someone. Hope you're having fun in Brunei right now!

My room is now so much nicer. Emptier, but less crowded. It's good (:

And yes that is Clayden next to it. Bleh. I haven't done so much Chemistry in my life before!

by this time,
you'll be flying,
scaling cloud glaciers,
in transit so your feet
aren't really touching the ground.

and i bury deep inside a pile of cloth and feathers,
pull the curtains closed
close my eyes
take in a deep breathe and hold it in
as if to hold you in my embrace.



moved out of hostel today. there's so much clutter in the house right now it's taking over. HELP!

Today's issue of The Straits (Sunday) Times:

"Dumped by husband after attack by his lover"

Here: www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_454659.html

just made me cry so hard; to think that something as horrible as this could happen to someone. It makes me scared, and worried - why didn't someone stop it in time?

Because no one expected it.

It makes me scared for people around me.

It disgusts me to think that a man could possibly go back to his mistress even after this mistress threatened his family and did so much harm to his wife. It disgusts me that someone could do something so horrible - to pour hot cooking oil on her, hit her on the head with a pan and against the wall and the toilet bowl. It disgusts me to think that a man would just abandon his wife like that; for refusing to forgive her aggressor, his mistress, who did so much harm to her.

Why should she forgive her husband's mistress? She has suffered true evil that should never be dismissed or ignored.

I wish there was something I could do for her.

it is sad that my brain is so addled by bio that when i'm reading about induced fit hypothesis i think aww spooning.

definitely glad that the exams are over; now it's more of cramming for the chemO selection test and hoping i get in.

class chalet was amazing as well mm. especially this morning, with birthday cake for breakfast. not so amazing are my aching butt and my sheer tiredness. it's like some super sleeping disease, god.

but yeah this morning :) and the silver light on your face, stupid grins.

500 days of summer is a really good movie.

talking with chele about evolution in bookactually got me thinking. i think just as people of different religions believe that a God created the remarkable species diversity that exists on Earth; i too, believe, that evolution is responsible for it. It might actually be a "faith" thing, idk.

although one thing. using the second law of thermodynamics to argue that "order could not have come from disorder" is actually quite far-fetched.

and intelligent design is quite interesting; although i can't see why there is even an argument for this to be taught in public schools. the obvious answer is ... no way.

i don't get it when people say that Darwin's theory of evolution means that our existence is meaningless and that everything is random. that humans are just a bunch of elements and chemicals that fell together.

but what i think is that the implications of evolution are so amazing, because it means that every living thing on this planet has, at some time or another in the history of the Earth, been related to each other through a common ancestor. there's something inexplicably beautiful about that - i would say it's the fact that we're not alone, that we may be strangers but at the same time we're all family. and the fact that despite all the odds, we are here and alive and we exist. isn't it remarkable to know that we're the lucky ones who fell through and fell together through random chance?

i don't need to have been made by some God. can't we just say that the Universe made us?

why does evolution have so much to do with God, anyway? i talked to my mum about this once; she said, whether or not God really did create me doesn't change how i believe and trust in Him. and to me, that made a lot of sense.

i've been crying so much lately.

over nothing specific, lately. yesterday's cloudburst was due to reading really really sad fic. which was eventually redeemed by a happy ending. but, idk, i guess i just saw myself in that position, and i felt sorry for myself and for the character and just ... bawwwwww. i cried over my physics homework, and my tears blotted the graph that i had printed out. then i went to print it out again.

this morning i was reading "my sister's keeper" by jodi picoult, and yeah it's a good book, not an awesome book. then i got to the court scene, and i started tearing up. also, reading it a second time lets you pick up on some details you hadn't picked up on before. mm.

idk why i'm like this.

alright maybe i have an idea.

doesn't mean i like this happening.

It's been a while since the last time i've posted, i know.

I guess it's just that I haven't found anything worth posting about that I can post about at the same time.

Not even in cryptic verse.

Although yes. I'll try to dig up what i can - so from the earliest eventful event that i can remember: Tioman

Tioman wasn't just fun. Tioman was hard work and tough going. Tioman also killed me in certain ways. But at the same time it gave me so much to think about, so many remarkable experiences, and so much lack of sleep. In some ways, it was depressing. Shan't elaborate here. I don't know why I am how I am. Stuff that are supposed to be exciting and monumental don't turn out like they should. Maybe it's in my desire not to be the same as the rest. But the most beautiful moments were probably waking up early in the cold, cold room; throwing on my sweater and walking out to the beach in the morning at around 5 or 6. 

The first night I did that, I climbed to the deck chairs meant for suntanning and lay for the longest while just watching the stars. Then I went down to the beach, lay down, wrote some stuff, and slowly watched the sun turn brighter. Sat down by the beach feeling the water go up my legs. Then went back and bathed and went off for breakfast.

The second night I went with ZhuoYi and we walked all the way to the end, across the mouth of the river to the collection of big rocks. Eventually perched ourselves on the big rocks and watched as the surroundings changed.

The second last day, we were given so much free time, ZhuoYi and I walked all the way across to the small rock island some distance off. The water didn't come up to my hip even, and my shorts remained pretty dry. So. Definitely very fun. Scary though.

Even though my parents grew up near the sea, in fishing villages, we're not exactly very fond of the sea. I like the sea, the water, the movement of the waves. But I'm also seriously scared of it, of being swept away by the waves. So, snorkeling was an issue for me. Pulau Perhantian still has much prettier corals and marine life though!

Fell down and cut myself on some rocks during intertidal. What else can I say?

I guess what I took away from Tioman was that

Just as we are led to the sea, so are we led to the land. And boy, you're my land.


That's all. Make of it what you will.

bawww i'm sad. i spent the whole day watching sytycd videos, beautiful choreography and beautiful music - i blame abbeh.

but damn, so many of the nice dances are all so ... sad. like



and



the full songs are here:



and




add that to the fact that i just revisited some really, really sad PoT fic; gosh i didn't even read them. i just read the rec at Fleeting Fancies. and then i started to feel sad. it makes no sense, i know. maybe it's the wrong time.

it's late at night, and i miss him.

just ... bawwwww.

sometimes when you feel so deeply for something you think of it in terms of yourself, and how it relates to you; which is sometimes not really good. i wonder how actors and professional dancers do it. how do you feel and act and show something, without getting sucked into it yourself?

love,
kyles

oh yeah, GEP dinner. really nice experience, especially with all the camwhoring and meeting old teachers and friends.

but apart from that, i also realized why i decided to break away from the cohort. but whoa, wait. not that i didn't meet some of the most awesome people in my life there, but i also remembered the unpleasantness of it.

it didn't help that i was so awkward and shy at that time, and being treated as if invisible, oh i hated it.

it's a question so many people ask me when they hear of my school background, one that i always have to answer.

absence like negative space, or a trick step that we forget to skip. looking around for a familiar face in the morning only to realize that it's not around.

still i''m not going to melt and pine and whine and be generally useless. hope he's having fun now doing interesting stuff, i'm going to do the same too.

EDIT: he'd better not pine and be useless either.

this is the kind of relationship that i want. that we can live without constantly being next to each other, that we have our own lives and interests and hobbies besides each other. but that we are happy in each other's company, are able to confide in each other and talk about random stuff, and seek comfort in each other's arms. 

i don't need someone to fix me. 

or to feed me, for that matter, although it makes me happy. 

(: 

general geekery has me mulling over relativity and trying to write a poem about it. i bet this is how i'll try to revise relativity for the exam.

active and passive transformation;
are you moving away from me,
or am i the one moving backwards?

we always prefer our own frame of reference,
although the law of the universe says no,
we're not really that unique. there is no privileged frame of reference.
neither are events the property of any reference frames,
we make them up to describe events that happen.
maybe we were moving at different speeds in different reference frames,
me racing forward while you were regressing backwards.
but right now while i'm waiting for the light from the supernova
to reach your eyes, because the hurt and the tears is in the present,
and i believe that nothing will change it.

certain invariant physical laws should not depend on the motion of the observer.
the numbers may be different but
the principles still hold.

flaws in newtonian mechanics;
what is time? time is what prevents me, and you
from both waking up in the morning and realizing simultaneously,
with absolute certainty, that we should be together in the
most definite way two people can share the same breath, same sigh, same light.
(i think our clocks aren't synchronized at all,
permanantly out of phase.)
what is space? space is what prevents me, and you
from both waking up in the morning to see each other lying just beside.

there really is no aether wind,
moving around us without us even
being able to notice it.
the earth's velocity with regard to aether is zero,
and we've got to keep moving, moving, moving,
or our hearts'll be swallowed by negative space.

there is a difference between seeing and observing;
so maybe i was seeing but not observing, not accounting for the difference in time,
or maybe i was observing something that only existed in my mind.

as i stare at you across the room, or across the mess hall,
light reflects off me and travels towards you at a speed of 299792458 m/s
you look up across the room, and you see me looking back at you.

it's like negative space,

because, how do you lose something that you never had in the first place?

tired of waiting for the light from the supernova to reach your eyes

just read levithan's "how we met" - oh, it never fails to get me.

miss lucy
and that boy, going back to his lover's house like a ghost.
and awfully cute !physics romance story